Daily Archives: January 1, 2022

I mean, anything could happen. This Tory Cinematic Universe in which we’re all background artistes, with the stars anchored wide-legged and slack-jawed beside poles surrounded by broken crockery, continues its relentless storyline of implausibility and poor gags.

An exclusive coterie of four – me, Chef, Chris and Melanie – booked the inside of a barrel at the Town and Gown for lunch on New Year’s Eve to resurrect the tradition interrupted in 2020 by the thing. We slung together some random half-arsed predictions for 2022 after some wine and cocktails, and present them to you below, after the visual interlude. I apologise in advance.

Predictions

• Chef: Still Boris Johnson this time next year?
  • Chef: yes
  • Melanie: nope, he’ll be gone by March
  • David: no, July
• Chris wanted it on record for some reason that the four of us “will go out to eat at a vegan restaurant in 2022”
• David: Will the dear old queen make it to 2023?
  • Chris: yes
  • Melanie: yes
  • David: yes
  • Chef: no, she’ll pop off in October
• Chef thinks the James Webb Space Telescope deployment will fail in some way and it’ll be toast
• Chris: Will ARM be bought by Nvidia?
  • Chris: yes, September
  • Melanie: yes, August
  • David: yes, July
  • Chef: yes, June
• Chris: Will WH Smith still exist on the high street?
  • Chris: no
  • Melanie: no
  • David: yes
  • Chef: yes
• Melanie: Will Adrian have a job?
  • Consensus: nope
• Melanie: Will Prince Andrew lose that civil case against him?
  • Chris: yes
  • Melanie: no
  • David: no
  • Chef: yes
• David: What will be the name of the most recent major Covid variant?
  • Chris: Ting-tong
  • Melanie: Mut (Egyptian hieroglyph, Vulture)
  • David: Psi
  • Chef: Alpha-gamma

And so we enter season 3 of 2020, in which the writers dangle the prospect of a return to normality while placing several Chekhov-shaped revolvers on sundry mantelpieces. Before the new year overwhelms us, let’s revisit our predictions for 2021. As I could and can no longer be bothered to think of anything in advance, we came up with ideas on the fly – in a Zoom call, due to lockdown 3.

Here’s a cut-and-paste of the predictions we made, with commentary…

• Louise: Joe Biden dies before end of 2021
  • Technically, no.
• Will Trump vacate the White House willingly?
  • Group consensus: yes
  • Well. Not sure “willingly” is the word, given he instigated an attempted coup, refused to attend Biden’s inauguration, and still claims the election was rigged. But he didn’t stage a dirty protest in the Oval Office (as far as we know) and did fly off to Mar-a-Lago without the need for a straitjacket so maybe this is a yes?
• Who will replace Boris Johnson, because surely he’s toast in 2021?
  • Chef: nobody – he’ll stay
    • Correct!
  • Adrian: Gove
    • Nope. Though Gove is now suspiciously quiet and lying in wait
  • David: Priti Patel, because we haven’t suffered enough
    • Nope. Don’t rule her out for 2022 though
  • Chris: Craig from Big Brother 1
    • I think Chris was drunk by now
• Tokyo Olympics?
  • Won’t happen – Chef, Melanie, Chris
    • Wrong
  • Will happen – Adrian
    • Correct!
  • Will happen, but cut down – David, Louise
    • Correct, even more so – no spectators allowed
• Glastonbury?
  • Will happen – Chris
    • Nope, although there was a kind of pretend Glastonbury
  • Won’t happen – Chef, Melanie, Adrian, David, Louise
    • Correct
• When will the Bond film get released?
  • November – Melanie, David
    • Wrong
  • August – Chef
    • Wrong
  • September – Adrian
    • Correct!
  • July virtually – Louise
    • Wrong
  • April – Chris
    • Wrong
• When will you personally be vaccinated?
  • Louise – July
  • Melanie – June
  • Chris – he won’t get it (I think he meant he wouldn’t be invited, not that he’d refuse)
  • Chef – June
  • Adrian – April
  • David – May
  • We were all massively pessimistic here. I was vaccinated in February, April, and October
• When will we as a group go for a proper dinner together again?
  • Louise – June
  • Melanie – August
  • Chris – March
  • Chef – April
  • Adrian – May
  • David – May
  • It was April, for Melanie’s birthday – Chef was right. Although we were limited to 6 people, so Chef wasn’t actually there. There are some photos below.
• Will anyone on this call leave the UK in 2021? (“UK” = UK + Scotland in case Scotland has ejected)
  • Louise – yes – Lynda will go to Spain ASAP
  • Melanie – yes, Lynda
  • Chris – yes, Lynda and Chris/Melanie
  • Chef – yes, Chris/Melanie, himself
  • Adrian – no
  • David – yes, Lynda
  • Pretty Sure Lynda went to Spain at some point this year. I don’t think any of the rest of us left the country.
• In which month of 2021 will the Duke and Duchess of Sussex cease to be duke and duchess?
  • Louise – not at all
  • Melanie – October
  • Chris – not at all
  • Chef – not at all
  • Adrian – June
  • David – not at all
  • They remain duke and duchess.
• Wimbledon?
  • Louise – July
  • Melanie – July but no crowd
  • Chris – won’t happen
  • Chef – August
  • Adrian – July
  • David – July but with smaller crowds
  • I was closest here. Crowds were limited until the last couple of days. Amazingly Stan got a grounds pass for the final Saturday, so we were there. There are some photos below.
• This gathering next NYE?
  • Chris: all of us, evening meal, posh hotel in London – specifically, The Ritz
    • Very nope
  • Chef: Town and Gown (not that one), lunchtime, but he thinks it’s a bit optimistic
    • Correct! Photos below

Photos!