Mystic Avaragado

The England-Portugal match went entirely as I had anticipated.

  • Early England goal to “settle the nerves” causes players to believe themselves impregnable.
  • Early exit of Rooney after extensive build up as “best player since Pele”, etc.
  • Inability to perform advanced football-related activities such as keeping possession, tackling opponents, defending, etc.
  • Chicken-counting commentary by Motty as per.
  • Belief that the only way to attack is to hoof it route-one into pack of opponents in vain attempt to find Owen/Vassell’s head.
  • Intensive pressure by Portuguese resulting in late goal by substitute.
  • Portuguese scorer/saviour plays for Tottenham, where despite costing £6m he’s managed only two goals in 24 games.
  • Entirely fair last-minute winner from Sol Campbell ruled out for no apparent reason by useless biased ref (Ian Wright: “he’s a homer”) with silly beard.
  • Hopes dashed in Extra Time by Portuguese goal, rekindled by England equaliser, cue Motty hyperbole and yet more attempts to describe teams using adjectives beginning “P” or “E” as appropriate.
  • Kicking penalties into row Z rather than the more traditional back-of-net.
  • No footage of Ian Wright bouncing round studio celebrating England win.

One prediction, that England supporters would subsequently sack Lisbon and drape England flags from every unadorned car aerial, thankfully has not yet come true.

So England are out. And Henman is currently playing on Centre Court, about to lose the first set against a plucky Swiss whose best ranking is 102 in the world.

England’s glorious summer of sport moves on…



Filed under Random

2 responses to “Mystic Avaragado

  1. Anonymous


    So why exactly is England’s manager a Swede? Is it really the case that out of a population of 60 million there isn’t a single better candidate. And would a British team (ie one made up England, Wales and Scotland) have done better or would the language and culture barrier be too large?

    • Re: Turnips

      Well now. There are quite a few British managers in the Premiership, but the ones at the top are foreigners (excluding Alex Ferguson, who wouldn’t do the job anyway). My tip is Alan Curbishley, once Sven has gone.

      Given that many Scots and Welsh people actively support whoever are England’s opponents it would surprise me greatly if there were ever a British team. There’s never a GB football team in the Olympics precisely so that FIFA can’t use that as an excuse to force it on the FA. I don’t think a GB team would be any more successful anyway.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.