This year is too predictable. Everybody’s saying the same things. I refuse to follow convention, as you know, so I’m not going to say anything about the US presidential elections (well, a bit) or UK politics (well, a bit).
Without further ado, whatever that actually means, blame Shakespeare probably, here they are:
In religious fundamentalist news: Dick Cheney departs this mortal coil – heart failure. Loonybins Bush nominates crazy name, crazy gal Condoleezza Rice as replacement VP, thus kick-starting her run for the top job in 08.
In the war against Eurasia: Oh, I imagine some strike against Iran. With a cowboy Major riding the bomb on the way down, a la Doctor Strangelove (note to future self: award additional 50 points if this actually happens).
In a shock occurrence of democracy New PM Gordon Brown calls an election for October, after the party conferences, since blue-green David Cameron still won’t have any policies by then. Labour wins again.
In alien invasion news: A photo is taken of actual running water on Mars.
In a blatant rehash from last year A citizen journalist dies trying to get a story. Wailing and gnashing, death of the net, etc. This’ll happen, oh yes. You mark my words. I’ll keep predicting it until it does.
In the only tennis that anyone cares about: Can’t see past Roger Federer at Wimbledon this year. Tim Henman has a long run, making it as far as the fourth set before losing in the first round. Andy Murray squeezes into round four but no further.
In Portuguese wardrobe news: The Premiership and international footballer whose name rhymes with Phristiano Ponaldo announces his friendship with the Wizard of Oz character whose name rhymes with Porothy.
In the Oscars®™etc Helen Mirren gets Best Actress for The Queen. I really don’t know who gets Best Actor; Christian Bale for The Prestige, maybe? My hunch for Best Film is United 93.
In predictable celebrity deaths: one point for each of the following: Prince Phillip, Pope Benedict the smiling nazi, Margaret Thatcher, Denis Healey, Patrick Moore.
In unpredictable celebrity deaths: five points for Pete Doherty.
I could get all self-referential and predict how many points I’ll get, but I won’t. It’s turtles all the way down.