2007 predictions: those zero scores in full

Let’s open the envelope and see how my 2007 predictions worked out. Recommendation: don’t hold your breath. Marks out of five for each.

In religious fundamentalist news: Dick Cheney departs this mortal coil – heart failure. Loonybins Bush nominates crazy name, crazy gal Condoleezza Rice as replacement VP, thus kick-starting her run for the top job in 08.

He was hospitalised once, I think. I crossed my fingers but sadly he recovered. I can’t award any points to myself here.

In the war against Eurasia: Oh, I imagine some strike against Iran. With a cowboy Major riding the bomb on the way down, a la Doctor Strangelove (note to future self: award additional 50 points if this actually happens).

I think I might have been a year early for this one. You can see the US administration preparing the way for this any chance they get. Still, zero points.

In a shock occurrence of democracy New PM Gordon Brown calls an election for October, after the party conferences, since blue-green David Cameron still won’t have any policies by then. Labour wins again.

This was about one opinion poll away from happening precisely as predicted. But Gordon Brown chickened out at the last minute, and he may live to regret it. Since this was so close and even a few weeks beforehand the pundits were all pooh-poohing the idea, I’m awarding myself one point anyway.

In alien invasion news: A photo is taken of actual running water on Mars.

Oh, so close: ‘Active glacier found’ on Mars. I’m giving myself two points for this.

In a blatant rehash from last year A citizen journalist dies trying to get a story. Wailing and gnashing, death of the net, etc. This’ll happen, oh yes. You mark my words. I’ll keep predicting it until it does.

Still nothing. Come on, reckless youths! Surely someone wants to sacrifice themselves for five points!

In the only tennis that anyone cares about: Can’t see past Roger Federer at Wimbledon this year. Tim Henman has a long run, making it as far as the fourth set before losing in the first round. Andy Murray squeezes into round four but no further.

Well, Andy Murray didn’t play due to injury. Tim Henman was down two sets to one in the first round, but eventually won in five then lost in round two. And, of course, Federer won again. I’m awarding myself a massive three points.

In Portuguese wardrobe news: The Premiership and international footballer whose name rhymes with Phristiano Ponaldo announces his friendship with the Wizard of Oz character whose name rhymes with Porothy.

Rhymes with Palse. Zero points.

In the Oscars®™etc Helen Mirren gets Best Actress for The Queen. I really don’t know who gets Best Actor; Christian Bale for The Prestige, maybe? My hunch for Best Film is United 93.

Mirren, yes. Chris successfully predicted Forest Whitaker for Best Actor and The Departed for Best Picture. 1.667 points to me, 3.333 points to Chris.

In predictable celebrity deaths: one point for each of the following: Prince Phillip, Pope Benedict the smiling nazi, Margaret Thatcher, Denis Healey, Patrick Moore.

None of them! All still alive! I was briefly under the impression last week that Patrick Moore had gone to the Sky at Night in the sky, but it turned out to be a joke. Zero points.

In unpredictable celebrity deaths: five points for Pete Doherty.

Amazingly, he’s still alive too. The deathwatch appears to have switched to Amy Winehouse these days. Zero points.

Total score: 0 + 0 + 1 + 2 + 0 + 3 + 0 + 1.667 + 0 + 0 = 7.667 points out of 50. That’s exceptionally poor.

I predict 2008 predictions soon, once I’ve thought of some.

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