Untitled Mitchell and Webb sketch

INT. OFFICE – DAY

DAVID MITCHELL sits behind a desk, on which is a nameplate ‘Head of Sketches’. ROBERT WEBB enters and sits the other side of the desk.

WEBB
I’ve come about my sketch.

MITCHELL
Sketch.

WEBB
I sent you a sketch.

MITCHELL
Sketch.

WEBB
I emailed it? Floella Benjamin and the House of Lords and toys and things?

MITCHELL
I see.

WEBB
I was just wondering. Have–

MITCHELL
Have I read it? Did I lol? Was I roffling meow? Have I just recently undergone emergency surgery to reinsert all innards herniated via my split sides?

WEBB
Well. Yes.

MITCHELL
I see.

WEBB
So…

MITCHELL
Let me explain.
The secret of comedy is timing.
Play School was cancelled in 1988.
Nobody under 25 has heard of Floella Benjamin, or the Round Window, or Big Ted.
Brian Cant is simply an opportunity for an amusing typo.
I suspect, I fear, that this comedy boat sailed some decades ago.

WEBB
But–

MITCHELL
Now if you’d included some more up-to-date material, like a riff on the Miners’ Strike or even Westland Helicopters and Michael Heseltine…

WEBB
It is up to date. She’s been given a peerage. So it’s perfect timing.

MITCHELL
Only if your audience is the coveted 35-44 demographic nostalgic for Pages from Ceefax, Rupert Bear trousers and Jet Set Willy.

WEBB
Isn’t it?

MITCHELL
No it isn’t!

WEBB
So what’s this then?

MITCHELL
What?

WEBB
This sketch. Who’s this aimed at? It’s mentioned Play School, Big Ted, Brian Cant, the Miners’ Strike, Westland, Pages from Ceefax, Rupert Bear trousers, the Falklands and Jet Set Willy.

MITCHELL
The Falklands? I’m sure it didn’t.

WEBB
It did.

MITCHELL
When?

WEBB
Just now. Look, are you going to use it or not?

MITCHELL
The Floella Benjamin rubbish, or this one?

WEBB
This one.

MITCHELL
No. Send it to Mitchell and Webb. They love all that ‘meta’ bollocks.

END OF SKETCH

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