2012! Who could forget the glorious summer? The coronation of Queen (formerly Sir Alan) Amidala? Britain’s abject failure in the 1500m tug-of-raw at the organic Spacelympics? The universal acclaim for the politics of austerity?
As the dregs of the year drip from the meths bottle of tomorrow into the tramp’s mouth of history and dribble through the foetid beard of ornithology onto the mangy dog’s head of clinical studies at Guy’s Hospital, it is time to stare resolutely past the tramp’s outstretched palm of invisibility to what 2013 will bring forth, or perhaps fifth. Here’s what I think:
- The Assad regime in Syria will fall.
- There will be no changes in US federal gun-control laws.
- The Duchess of Cambridge will give birth to a human boy.
- At least one Tory MP will defect to UKIP.
- The equal marriage bill for England and Wales will pass in the Commons but not the Lords.
- Dangerous idiot Michael Gove will be involved in a scandal over the exam board selection process for the new EBacc exams.
- Manchester United will win the FA Premier League.
- Chelsea FC will change manager at least twice.
- At least one British person will win a Wimbledon title.
- Mo Farah will win at least one gold medal at the World Athletics Championships.
- Rory McIlroy will win at least two majors in golf.
- At least one footballer playing in the UK will come out as gay or bisexual.
Science and technology
- Microsoft will buy Nokia.
- Scientists will announce the synthesis of one or more atoms of element 119 or higher.
- NASA will declare that Voyager 1 has left the solar system and entered interstellar space.
- Scientists will announce the discovery of an ‘Earth twin’ – an Earth-sized exoplanet within the habitable zone of its star.
- The year will be one of the ten warmest years in the global record, and warmer than 2012, according to the World Meteorological Organisation.
- Archaeologists will confirm that the bones dug up in a Leicester car park are those of Richard III.
- Lincoln will receive the Oscar for Best Picture.
- Daniel Day-Lewis will receive the Oscar for Best Actor for his performance in Lincoln.
- Jennifer Lawrence will receive the Oscar for Best Actress for her performance in Silver Linings Playbook.
- The 50th anniversary of Doctor Who will involve appearances (in newly filmed scenes) from at least one former Doctor.
- The BBC will cancel The Sky at Night (probably while pretending not to).
- The UK entry will finish in the third quarter of the rankings (ie, top half of the bottom half) in the Eurovision Song Contest.
In previous years I’ve named six people. This year I thought I’d round it up to nine, but then discovered three of my names overlapped with Andrew’s (caution: Facebook). Consequently I added three more, to make twelve.
Also, I’m adopting Andrew’s scoring system: each valid death (occurring at any time in the year) scores that person’s age at death subtracted from 100. For example, an 85-year-old’s death would score 15 points, and a 101-year-old’s would score -1 point (thus making it a daft choice). For reference, I’ve included the age of each of my selected celebrities, as at January 1st 2013.
- Denis Healey (95)
- Nelson Mandela (94)
- Mickey Rooney (92)
- Nancy Reagan (91)
- Richard Attenborough (89)
- Robert Mugabe (88)
- George H. W. Bush (88)
- Richard Briers (78)
- Barry Humphries (78)
- Shirley MacLaine (78)
- Bill Murray (62)
- Piers Morgan (47)
Please join me next New Year’s Eve for the official adjudication and other assorted lols.