Tag Archives: crystal ball

January 22, 2009 · 11:09 pm

Avaragado’s 2009 predictions

I predict that Avaragado’s 2010 predictions will be made in 2011. Meanwhile, here are my predictions for what remains of 2009. I’ve listed them in tedious bullet points so that my official adjudicator has less to think about.

It looks just like my uncle Oscar

  • Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger
  • Best Actor: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
  • Best Supporting Actress: Taraji P Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
  • Best Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader
  • Best Picture: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
  • Best Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire

I’m glad you asked me that question, Jeremy

  • Peter Mandelson loses his job as Business Secretary.
  • Alistair Darling loses his job as Chancellor.
  • Ed Balls becomes the new Chancellor.

Wonderful World of Nature

  • Yellowstone does not explode and turn much of North America into (even more of) a wasteland.
  • A global flu pandemic starts.
  • There will be two earthquakes of magnitude 8 or above on the Richter scale.

Tedious Town of Tech

  • SCO finally throws in the towel.
  • Microsoft buys Palm to get the Pre.
  • A statement posted to Twitter causes a publicly traded company’s stock to drop dramatically.

I’m 800, you know

  • Cambridge win the University Boat Race.
  • The Guided Bus does not fully open to paying customers this year.
  • In the 2009 May Bumps, Caius finishes first in the Men’s First Division.

Des or Dickie? Des, obviously

  • Usain Bolt takes the 100m world record to 9.60s +/- 0.02s
  • England is the only home nation to qualify for the football World Cup in South Africa in 2010.
  • Andy Murray loses in the men’s singles final at Wimbledon.
  • Australia retains the Ashes.
  • Lewis Hamilton wins more grands prix than any other driver in the 2009 F1 season.
  • Felipe Massa is 2009 F1 world champion.

Celebrity Deathwatch

  • Patrick Swayze
  • Margaret Thatcher
  • Norman Wisdom
  • Peter Sallis
  • Steve Jobs
  • Britney Spears

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January 18, 2008 · 9:01 am

It had to be China, of course

Looks like five points to me. It had to happen eventually, and in hindsight China was the most likely location.

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January 2, 2008 · 11:20 pm

Avaragado’s rubbish 2008 predictions

Scandalously I’m posting these with two days of the year gone already. Still it’s a leap year.

Only four years to go
Total number of gold medals in Beijing for Great Britain: seven; one of these in athletics, either Radcliffe or Ohuruogu. The display by next hosts London in the closing ceremony is excruciatingly embarrassing and involves hundreds of pearly kings and queens.

No quarter-final exit for England this time
At Euro 2008 Germany beat Italy in the final on penalties (1-1 AET).

First first gentleman
I’m plumping for Hillary Clinton/Bill Richardson as the Democratic ticket and eventual winners. The Republicans go with John McCain/Rudolph Giuliani.

Here it is
A citizen journalist dies trying to get a story. I am truly amazed this hasn’t happened yet.

Red Boris
Ken Livingstone is re-elected as London Mayor. Boris Johnson is his usual shambolic laughing-stock self and nearly loses second place to the Lib Dem candidate, Brian Paddick.

And finally, again
News at Ten returns on ITV1 to fanfares and indifference, and is gone again by the autumn. Sir Trev retires. (Note to future self: no points for it actually returning, since that’s long-planned.)

Now the weather
Britain has a scorching summer. Temperatures reach 100 F (37.8 C) in parts of Kent. TV reporters perform the traditional compare-and-contrast manoeuvre – showing clips of themselves from 2007 standing in several feet of water then cutting to the same, baking hot location of 2008.

See p2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, yours for a tenner
Subject of a thousand Daily Mail headlies (do you see what I did there?), the house price crash actually happens. And then prices start to rise again, of course.

“General”
There’ll be a major skirmish, perhaps even a small war, between India and Pakistan. It’ll be the fault of Bush’s “ally” in the War on Trrr, President Musharraf.

Celebrity deathwatch
One point each: Richard Attenborough, Richard Briers, June Whitfield, Michael Foot, Nancy Reagan.

I look forward to your scorn in December. Or any time, really.

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December 31, 2007 · 12:19 pm

2007 predictions: those zero scores in full

Let’s open the envelope and see how my 2007 predictions worked out. Recommendation: don’t hold your breath. Marks out of five for each.

In religious fundamentalist news: Dick Cheney departs this mortal coil – heart failure. Loonybins Bush nominates crazy name, crazy gal Condoleezza Rice as replacement VP, thus kick-starting her run for the top job in 08.

He was hospitalised once, I think. I crossed my fingers but sadly he recovered. I can’t award any points to myself here.

In the war against Eurasia: Oh, I imagine some strike against Iran. With a cowboy Major riding the bomb on the way down, a la Doctor Strangelove (note to future self: award additional 50 points if this actually happens).

I think I might have been a year early for this one. You can see the US administration preparing the way for this any chance they get. Still, zero points.

In a shock occurrence of democracy New PM Gordon Brown calls an election for October, after the party conferences, since blue-green David Cameron still won’t have any policies by then. Labour wins again.

This was about one opinion poll away from happening precisely as predicted. But Gordon Brown chickened out at the last minute, and he may live to regret it. Since this was so close and even a few weeks beforehand the pundits were all pooh-poohing the idea, I’m awarding myself one point anyway.

In alien invasion news: A photo is taken of actual running water on Mars.

Oh, so close: ‘Active glacier found’ on Mars. I’m giving myself two points for this.

In a blatant rehash from last year A citizen journalist dies trying to get a story. Wailing and gnashing, death of the net, etc. This’ll happen, oh yes. You mark my words. I’ll keep predicting it until it does.

Still nothing. Come on, reckless youths! Surely someone wants to sacrifice themselves for five points!

In the only tennis that anyone cares about: Can’t see past Roger Federer at Wimbledon this year. Tim Henman has a long run, making it as far as the fourth set before losing in the first round. Andy Murray squeezes into round four but no further.

Well, Andy Murray didn’t play due to injury. Tim Henman was down two sets to one in the first round, but eventually won in five then lost in round two. And, of course, Federer won again. I’m awarding myself a massive three points.

In Portuguese wardrobe news: The Premiership and international footballer whose name rhymes with Phristiano Ponaldo announces his friendship with the Wizard of Oz character whose name rhymes with Porothy.

Rhymes with Palse. Zero points.

In the Oscars®™etc Helen Mirren gets Best Actress for The Queen. I really don’t know who gets Best Actor; Christian Bale for The Prestige, maybe? My hunch for Best Film is United 93.

Mirren, yes. Chris successfully predicted Forest Whitaker for Best Actor and The Departed for Best Picture. 1.667 points to me, 3.333 points to Chris.

In predictable celebrity deaths: one point for each of the following: Prince Phillip, Pope Benedict the smiling nazi, Margaret Thatcher, Denis Healey, Patrick Moore.

None of them! All still alive! I was briefly under the impression last week that Patrick Moore had gone to the Sky at Night in the sky, but it turned out to be a joke. Zero points.

In unpredictable celebrity deaths: five points for Pete Doherty.

Amazingly, he’s still alive too. The deathwatch appears to have switched to Amy Winehouse these days. Zero points.

Total score: 0 + 0 + 1 + 2 + 0 + 3 + 0 + 1.667 + 0 + 0 = 7.667 points out of 50. That’s exceptionally poor.

I predict 2008 predictions soon, once I’ve thought of some.

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January 11, 2007 · 11:36 pm

Avaragado’s ridiculous 2007 predictions

This year is too predictable. Everybody’s saying the same things. I refuse to follow convention, as you know, so I’m not going to say anything about the US presidential elections (well, a bit) or UK politics (well, a bit).

Without further ado, whatever that actually means, blame Shakespeare probably, here they are:

In religious fundamentalist news: Dick Cheney departs this mortal coil – heart failure. Loonybins Bush nominates crazy name, crazy gal Condoleezza Rice as replacement VP, thus kick-starting her run for the top job in 08.

In the war against Eurasia: Oh, I imagine some strike against Iran. With a cowboy Major riding the bomb on the way down, a la Doctor Strangelove (note to future self: award additional 50 points if this actually happens).

In a shock occurrence of democracy New PM Gordon Brown calls an election for October, after the party conferences, since blue-green David Cameron still won’t have any policies by then. Labour wins again.

In alien invasion news: A photo is taken of actual running water on Mars.

In a blatant rehash from last year A citizen journalist dies trying to get a story. Wailing and gnashing, death of the net, etc. This’ll happen, oh yes. You mark my words. I’ll keep predicting it until it does.

In the only tennis that anyone cares about: Can’t see past Roger Federer at Wimbledon this year. Tim Henman has a long run, making it as far as the fourth set before losing in the first round. Andy Murray squeezes into round four but no further.

In Portuguese wardrobe news: The Premiership and international footballer whose name rhymes with Phristiano Ponaldo announces his friendship with the Wizard of Oz character whose name rhymes with Porothy.

In the Oscars®™etc Helen Mirren gets Best Actress for The Queen. I really don’t know who gets Best Actor; Christian Bale for The Prestige, maybe? My hunch for Best Film is United 93.

In predictable celebrity deaths: one point for each of the following: Prince Phillip, Pope Benedict the smiling nazi, Margaret Thatcher, Denis Healey, Patrick Moore.

In unpredictable celebrity deaths: five points for Pete Doherty.

I could get all self-referential and predict how many points I’ll get, but I won’t. It’s turtles all the way down.

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December 31, 2006 · 11:17 am

Avaragado’s 2006 predictions: how didn’t I do?

For sale: one crystal ball, hardly used. One lady owner.

In a brazen and desperate attempt to retain the tiniest shred of credibility, I’ll mark each of my 2006 predictions out of five. Here goes…

From our if-only department Bush or Cheney will be impeached and/or defenestrated, in a shock scales-falling-from-eyes moment in the US.

Sadly not. But Rumsfeld did go, and this year saw a definite shift in power away from the neocons. The scales may be starting to fall. I’ll be generous and give myself one whole point here.

s/Blair/Brown/g The Dear Leader resigns, probably in the early autumn, and is replaced by Gordon Brown to nobody’s great surprise.

This was so close. There was a huge amount of speculation at that time, and Blair was forced to say that he’d be gone within a year. Brown is still the obvious replacement. I’ll award myself another point.

s/Kennedy/Oaten/g Take it as read that Charles Kennedy is a goner. My money’s on Mark Oaten as the replacement, but Lembit Opik’s a good bet too.

In all honesty I can’t justify any points here. Kennedy resigned only a couple of days after the prediction. Mark Oaten was discovered to have been renting things other than property. Lembit Opik was never a contender. Menzies Campbell ended up leader, and things have stuttered a bit for the Lib Dems.

Amateur hour A citizen journalist dies trying to get a unique angle on a story. There is much wailing and gnashing. The death of the net is predicted.

I don’t remember any reports of such a thing happening, so I guess it didn’t. No points.

Thar she blows Another record-breaking Hurricane season in the Atlantic. This time Miami gets it. There are few deaths due to Miami’s preparedness, and Jeb Bush uses this as a springboard for a presidential run.

Nope. Hurricanes not as newsworthy as 2005. No sign of a third Bush. No points.

Thar she also blows Mount St Helens.

Thar she also didn’t. No points.

Wembley stadiu Just enough of the new Wembley is complete on time to hold the FA Cup Final. But it’s a bit of a shambles. All-Premiership semi-finals, very tedious.

My faith in other people is touching. Nah, Wembley wasn’t ready by a long way. They were, however, all-Premiership semi-finals (and thus automatically tedious; but the final was a cracker). One point for the mini-prediction.

Home win Germany win the World Cup. England reach the quarter-finals as per, but no further.

I thought I’d nailed this one, but Germany lost the semi-final against eventual winners Italy (Italy!). England, naturally, lost on penalties in the quarters. I note that immediately before that match I predicted Rooney would be sent off, and he was. I award myself 2.5 points.

Tech buzzword Oh, something like “ubertags” (just googled it: 11,800 hits). How about “reputagging” (no hits).

And Google now says… eh? “ubertags” gets just 244 hits, how strange. “reputagging” – did you mean “repackaging”? OK, no points. Buzzwords, bah!

Double trouble Avaragado sees not one but two weddings this year in his general vicinity.

Hooray! Cryptic enough for me to claim five full points! Steve’s was the obvious one, but Bov and Chrissie also tied the knot this year. I count two!

Total score: 10.5 out of 50. Could do better.

Coming soon: Avaragado’s amazing 2007 predictions!

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January 6, 2006 · 10:33 pm

Avaragado’s predictions for 2006

Neck out-sticking time. I don’t know why, but I feel the urge.

From our if-only department
Bush or Cheney will be impeached and/or defenestrated, in a shock scales-falling-from-eyes moment in the US.

s/Blair/Brown/g
The Dear Leader resigns, probably in the early autumn, and is replaced by Gordon Brown to nobody’s great surprise.

s/Kennedy/Oaten/g
Take it as read that Charles Kennedy is a goner. My money’s on Mark Oaten as the replacement, but Lembit Opik’s a good bet too.

Amateur hour
A citizen journalist dies trying to get a unique angle on a story. There is much wailing and gnashing. The death of the net is predicted.

Thar she blows
Another record-breaking Hurricane season in the Atlantic. This time Miami gets it. There are few deaths due to Miami’s preparedness, and Jeb Bush uses this as a springboard for a presidential run.

Thar she also blows
Mount St Helens.

Wembley stadiu
Just enough of the new Wembley is complete on time to hold the FA Cup Final. But it’s a bit of a shambles. All-Premiership semi-finals, very tedious.

Home win
Germany win the World Cup. England reach the quarter-finals as per, but no further.

Tech buzzword
Oh, something like “ubertags” (just googled it: 11,800 hits). How about “reputagging” (no hits).

Double trouble
Avaragado sees not one but two weddings this year in his general vicinity.

There you go: a bunch of lovely predictions. Remind me in a year’s time…

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