Hello again. Pull up a pixel. Dismantle that podcast. Relax your weary mince pie repository. Pay heed, oh gentle reader, for Avaragado has rattled his brain to wiggle out the earwax of foretelling and is pleased to interpret the oily runes ambiguously below.
Those of you familiar with this annual nonsense will spot a new category. I’ve retired Celebrity Deathwatch as the predictions started to come true and, quite frankly, The Medusa Touch still gives me the shivers (WHIP PAN to polystyrene rubble falling onto gurning worshippers). In its place, You’re Celebrity Fired.
Here they all are. Perhaps the rain will have stopped by this time next year. Perhaps.
- In the thrilling Euro referendum that I hope to god happens in 2016 so we don’t have to suffer another whole year of it, the tedious British public votes 53% to 47% (±1%) to remain in the EU.
- Bacon-worrier David Cameron resigns as prime minister.
- Hillary Clinton wins the US presidential election.
- 2016 is the warmest year globally on record.
- The Bank of England leaves interest rates at 0.5% all year.
- The price of oil doesn’t go above $50 a barrel all year.
- In the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Team GB win 20±2 gold medals in total.
- In the Euro 2016 football championships, England finish in the top 4.
- Oxford win the men’s University Boat Race.
- HRH Prince Ali Al Hussein is elected the next president of FIFA.
- Wales win the Rugby Union Six Nations.
- Europe retain the Ryder Cup.
Science and technology
- The iPhone 7 (pedants: or whatever Apple calls the next major iPhone revision) has no 3.5mm headphone jack.
- Apple releases a Mac with an A-branded (ARM, not Intel) processor.
- Google buys Signal.
- A major security breach at the NHS leaks hundreds of thousands of patient details.
- Physicists confirm the first evidence for gravitational waves.
- An out-of-control drone causes a major incident (eg a collision with an aircraft).
- To save money, the BBC decides to close BBC Four.
- Peter Capaldi announces he is to leave Doctor Who.
- Oscar for Best Picture: The Revenant.
- Oscar for Best Director: Ridley Scott, The Martian.
- Oscar for Best Actor: Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl.
- Oscar for Best Actress: Brie Larson, Room.
You’re celebrity fired
- Piers Morgan leaves Good Morning Britain.
- Marissa Meyer leaves Yahoo.
- Louis van Gaal leaves Manchester United.
- Chris Evans (not that one) leaves the role of Editor of the Daily Telegraph.
- Philip Hammond leaves the role of Foreign Secretary.
- Sir Lord Alan Sugar leaves The Apprentice.
And that, my friends, is that. I wonder if I’ll post anything else on this blog before next year’s results?
Here we are again. New Year’s Eve, fireworks, and celebrations filmed several weeks ago presented as if live TV. And most importantly, the results of my fabulous 2013 predictions – as marked by Chris Walsh, as usual. Commentary etc in square brackets.
- ✗ The Assad regime in Syria will fall. [Bashar al-Assad still President of Syria]
- ✓ There will be no changes in US federal gun-control laws. [Obama has called for tighter gun control, but no actual laws yet]
- ✓ The Duchess of Cambridge will give birth to a human boy. [21-Jul: Duchess of Cambridge gives birth to the future king]
- ✗ At least one Tory MP will defect to UKIP. [Plenty of councillors defected, and one UKIP MEP defected to the Conservatives, but this specific prediction proved false]
- ✗ The equal marriage bill for England and Wales will pass in the Commons but not the Lords. [15-Jul: Equal marriage bill for England and Wales has passed its Third Reading in the House of Lords]
- ✓ Dangerous idiot Michael Gove will be involved in a scandal over the exam board selection process for the new EBacc exams. [07-Feb: Education Secretary to announce dramatic climbdown over plans to scrap GCSEs]
- ✓ Manchester United will win the FA Premier League. [22-Apr: Manchester United won their 13th Premier League title by defeating Aston Villa 3-0 at Old Trafford]
- ✗ Chelsea FC will change manager at least twice. [Only one change of manager in 2013: Benitez -> Mourinho]
- ✓ At least one British person will win a Wimbledon title. [08-Jul: Andy Murray wins Wimbledon 2013 men’s singles final with straight sets victory over Novak Djokovic]
- ✓ Mo Farah will win at least one gold medal at the World Athletics Championships. [10-Aug: Won the 10,000m. Also 16-Aug: Won 5,000m]
- ✗ Rory McIlroy will win at least two majors in golf. [Wikipedia: “McIlroy began 2013 with high aspirations, but mostly did not fare well in early tournaments… 25th place at the 2013 Masters Tournament… won the 2013 Emirates Australian Open]
- ✗ At least one footballer playing in the UK will come out as gay or bisexual. [Robbie Rogers, but he plays in the USA]
Science and technology
- ✓ Microsoft will buy Nokia. [03-Sep: Microsoft to buy Nokia’s mobile phone unit]
- ✗ Scientists will announce the synthesis of one or more atoms of element 119 or higher. [Ununseptium remains the most recently synthesised transuranic element, in 2010. Sapphire and Steel have been assigned]
- ✓ NASA will declare that Voyager 1 has left the solar system and entered interstellar space. [12-Sep: Voyager 1 departs to interstellar space]
- ✗ Scientists will announce the discovery of an ‘Earth twin’ – an Earth-sized exoplanet within the habitable zone of its star. [Kepler 78b is the same size as Earth, and has same proportions of iron and rock, but is so close to the sun that its year lasts 8.5 hours, rendering it a little too toasty to be habitable]
- ✓ The year will be one of the ten warmest years in the global record, and warmer than 2012, according to the World Meteorological Organisation. [13-Nov: “The year 2013 is currently on course to be among the top ten warmest years since modern records began. January-September 2013 was warmer than the same period in both 2011 and 2012.” We’re catching up with Kepler 78b!]
- ✓ Archaeologists will confirm that the bones dug up in a Leicester car park are those of Richard III. [04-Feb: DNA confirms bones are king’s]
- ✗ Lincoln will receive the Oscar for Best Picture. [Feb-24: Argo]
- ✓ Daniel Day-Lewis will receive the Oscar for Best Actor for his performance in Lincoln.
- ✓ Jennifer Lawrence will receive the Oscar for Best Actress for her performance in Silver Linings Playbook.
- ✓ The 50th anniversary of Doctor Who will involve appearances (in newly filmed scenes) from at least one former Doctor. [23-Nov: Tennant and Baker T, plus future Doctor!]
- ✗ The BBC will cancel The Sky at Night (probably while pretending not to). [Still running – Maggie Aderin-Pocock announced in December 2013 as a new presenter]
- ✓ The UK entry will finish in the third quarter of the rankings (ie, top half of the bottom half) in the Eurovision Song Contest. [1pt. 18-May: 19th out of 26 puts us 73% of the way down the leader board]
[We decided to award half a point per death to make the scores more compatible with predictions from previous years, since I included double the usual number of names in this section. We also abandoned the idea to score based on ages.]
- ✗ Denis Healey (95)
- ✓ Nelson Mandela (94) [Died 5-Dec aged 95]
- ✗ Mickey Rooney (92)
- ✗ Nancy Reagan (91)
- ✗ Richard Attenborough (89)
- ✗ Robert Mugabe (88)
- ✗ George H. W. Bush (88)
- ✓ Richard Briers (78) [Died 17-Feb aged 79]
- ✗ Barry Humphries (78)
- ✗ Shirley MacLaine (78)
- ✗ Bill Murray (62)
- ✗ Piers Morgan (47)
[Total score: 15/30]
A staggering score of 50%! This makes 2013 officially my most successful year ever for predictions. And if the trend of alternating better-worse but generally rising is anything to go by, my predictions for 2014 are on course for 40%. Though I can reveal that’s not one of my official 2014 predictions, otherwise we’re adrift in a glittering sea of meta.
Anyway, return soon for the 2014 predictions in all their 40%-likely glory.