Hello again. Pull up a pixel. Dismantle that podcast. Relax your weary mince pie repository. Pay heed, oh gentle reader, for Avaragado has rattled his brain to wiggle out the earwax of foretelling and is pleased to interpret the oily runes ambiguously below.
Those of you familiar with this annual nonsense will spot a new category. I’ve retired Celebrity Deathwatch as the predictions started to come true and, quite frankly, The Medusa Touch still gives me the shivers (WHIP PAN to polystyrene rubble falling onto gurning worshippers). In its place, You’re Celebrity Fired.
Here they all are. Perhaps the rain will have stopped by this time next year. Perhaps.
- In the thrilling Euro referendum that I hope to god happens in 2016 so we don’t have to suffer another whole year of it, the tedious British public votes 53% to 47% (±1%) to remain in the EU.
- Bacon-worrier David Cameron resigns as prime minister.
- Hillary Clinton wins the US presidential election.
- 2016 is the warmest year globally on record.
- The Bank of England leaves interest rates at 0.5% all year.
- The price of oil doesn’t go above $50 a barrel all year.
- In the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Team GB win 20±2 gold medals in total.
- In the Euro 2016 football championships, England finish in the top 4.
- Oxford win the men’s University Boat Race.
- HRH Prince Ali Al Hussein is elected the next president of FIFA.
- Wales win the Rugby Union Six Nations.
- Europe retain the Ryder Cup.
Science and technology
- The iPhone 7 (pedants: or whatever Apple calls the next major iPhone revision) has no 3.5mm headphone jack.
- Apple releases a Mac with an A-branded (ARM, not Intel) processor.
- Google buys Signal.
- A major security breach at the NHS leaks hundreds of thousands of patient details.
- Physicists confirm the first evidence for gravitational waves.
- An out-of-control drone causes a major incident (eg a collision with an aircraft).
- To save money, the BBC decides to close BBC Four.
- Peter Capaldi announces he is to leave Doctor Who.
- Oscar for Best Picture: The Revenant.
- Oscar for Best Director: Ridley Scott, The Martian.
- Oscar for Best Actor: Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl.
- Oscar for Best Actress: Brie Larson, Room.
You’re celebrity fired
- Piers Morgan leaves Good Morning Britain.
- Marissa Meyer leaves Yahoo.
- Louis van Gaal leaves Manchester United.
- Chris Evans (not that one) leaves the role of Editor of the Daily Telegraph.
- Philip Hammond leaves the role of Foreign Secretary.
- Sir Lord Alan Sugar leaves The Apprentice.
And that, my friends, is that. I wonder if I’ll post anything else on this blog before next year’s results?
And here they are: a list of things almost certainly not going to happen in 2015. Feel free to pop down the betting shop as soon as it opens to chuck your savings at the opposite of everything below. Don’t forget to return this time next year to gloat with your millions.
- There is more than one UK general election.
- After one of the general elections, speaker John Bercow is deposed.
- The royal child-beast is of the girl persuasion, and called Elizabeth.
- Hillary Clinton confirms she will run for US President.
- Kim Jong Un is deposed as leader of North Korea.
- The record for the highest temperature in the UK is broken.
- Sepp Blatter is not re-elected as president of FIFA.
- Chelsea win the English Premier League.
- Australia retain the Ashes.
- Germany win the women’s football World Cup in Canada.
- Oxford wins the University Boat Race, again.
- Cyprus comes top of the medal table in the keenly anticipated Games of the Small States of Europe in Reykjavik.
Science and technology
- Apple releases a MacBook Air with a retina display.
- The Dawn spacecraft discovers ice volcanoes on the surface of the dwarf planet Ceres.
- The probe Philae on the surface of comet 67P emerges from hibernation sufficiently to send useful scientific data.
- Microsoft buys Fitbit.
- Dick Costolo leaves his position as CEO of Twitter.
- YouTube users upload over 500 hours of video per minute on average.
- Best Actor Oscar: Michael Keaton, Birdman.
- Best Actress Oscar: Julianne Moore, Still Alice.
- Best Picture Oscar: Birdman.
- Best Director Oscar: Richard Linklater, Boyhood.
- Best Visual Effects Oscar: Interstellar.
- The BBC says BBC 4 will follow BBC 3 and move online.
- Dodgy FIFA boss before the other dodgy FIFA boss, João Havelange (98)
- Avenger before the other Avengers, actor Patrick Macnee (92)
- Dracula, Scaramanga, Saruman, Dooku, actor Christopher Lee (92)
- I’ve met him you know, comics elder Stan Lee (92)
- President Bush before the other President Bush, George HW Bush (90)
- Spock before the other Spock, actor Leonard Nimoy (82)
- Run out, umpire Dickie Bird (81)
- War criminal, ex-veep Dick Cheney (73)
- Floating like an ex-butterfly, stinging like an ex-bee, boxer Muhammad Ali (72)
Happy New Year!
Here they are: the 2014 predictions literally everyone hasn’t been waiting for. Please return regularly to check my progress and coincidentally bump the readership stats on my blog to make me feel better.
- In the referendum on independence, Scotland votes No.
- Brazil grants asylum to Edward Snowden.
- The Lib Dems replace Nick Clegg as leader.
- UKIP wins more MEPs in the European Parliamentary Elections than the Conservatives, Labour and Lib Dems.
- An iconic building or monument is damaged in a freak/climate change weather event.
- Paul Dacre leaves his position as chief bigot/editor at the Daily Mail.
- More than 50% of Daily Express front page main headlines are about the weather.
- Brazil win the World Cup. England don’t qualify from the group stage.
- Liverpool win the FA Premier League.
- Team GB win exactly one medal at the Winter Olympics in Sochi.
- Andy Murray loses in the semi-final of the men’s singles at Wimbledon.
- Wales win the rugby union Six Nations tournament.
- Johnny Brownlee wins the ITU World Triathlon Series.
Science and technology
- Steve Ballmer is replaced as CEO of Microsoft by Satya Nadella.
- The crew of the International Space Station is evacuated because of orbital debris.
- Apple announces a “revolutionary” (in their words) new TV device.
- The Nobel prize for physics is won by someone in the field of quantum computing/communication.
- Google buys Oculus VR.
- Webcam video of a celebrity, obtained covertly by an intelligence agency, leaks on the internet.
- Best picture at the Oscars: 12 Years a Slave.
- Best actor at the Oscars: Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave.
- Best actress at the Oscars: Emma Thompson for Saving Mr Banks.
- Bruce Forsyth stops presenting Strictly Come Dancing.
- The BBC reboots a classic 1970s sitcom (eg Dad’s Army).
- In one of those “celebrities doing stuff” shows (Splash, Strictly, Dancing on Wolves, etc) a celebrity does stuff that results in a nasty injury on live TV.
- His Racist Highness Prince Philip, 92
- Nobel Peace Prize winner and war criminal Henry Kissinger, 90
- Thatcher defenestrator Lord (Geoffrey) Howe, 87
- Swivel-eyed Ulster firebrand preacher Ian Paisley, 87
- Oh no, it’s Yoko Ono, 80
- Fifties teen idol and Half a Sixpence crooner Tommy Steele, 77
- Much better than the last one Pope Francis, 77
- Founder of CNN and all-round not-Murdoch Ted Turner, 75
- Nobody did it better than Carly Simon, 68
- Free software evangelist and beardy gnu-lover Richard Stallman, 60
- Wayward ex-gurner and Gazza Paul Gascoigne, 46
- Apprentice self-firing rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins, 38
Based on the pattern of previous years I’m expecting to get about 40% right. Join me this time next year to find out whether I’ve got that prediction wrong too.