Now spelunked into the Brechtian caverns of history: the year of the Arab Spring, the deaths of several prominent nutjobs, the end of the Screws, the looting of cheap sportswear, the Royal Day Off, the Occupy tent sale, and, of course, what is believed to be Sir Paul McCartney’s 49th or 50th marriage; estimates vary. And what will 2012 bring forth? Here’s your exclusive guide.
- It will be announced that the Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant.
- Ed Miliband will be replaced as leader of the Labour party.
- The US presidential election will be between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obama will be re-elected.
- At least one country will leave the euro.
- Boris Johnson will be re-elected as Mayor of London.
- There will be an earthquake in the UK of magnitude 4.0 or above on the Richter scale. (I’m only using this scale as it’s the one used on the Wikipedia page for UK earthquakes.)
- Great Britain & Northern Ireland will win 21 gold medals at the Summer Olympics, and over 50 medals in total.
- Great Britain & Northern Ireland will top the medal table at the Paralympics.
- Spain will win the Euro 2012 football tournament.
- The United States will regain golf’s Ryder Cup.
- Jensen Button will regain the Formula One championship.
- Manchester City will win the English Premier League.
Science and technology
- Having miraculously survived 2011, Steve Ballmer will definitely be fired as Microsoft CEO.
- CERN will announce the official discovery of the Higgs boson.
- Apple will launch a TV.
- At least one of the co-CEOs of RIM will be fired, and the company will be bought.
- The next version of the iPhone will include an NFC chip.
- Amazon will release a free version of the Kindle.
- The 2012 season of X Factor in the UK will be the last.
- In Doctor Who, the replacement for the Ponds will not be from Earth.
- Best Actress Oscar: Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady.
- Best Actor Oscar: Jean Dujardin, The Artist.
- Best Picture Oscar: The Artist.
- CNN will fire Piers Morgan.
- Former anthropology student, US evangelist Billy Graham.
- Former ophthalmology student, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad.
- Former chemistry student, Baroness Thatcher.
- Former naval cadet, Prince Philip.
- Former Cassius Clay, Muhammad Ali.
- Former Hitler Youth, Pope Benedict XVI.
I look forward to your company next New Year’s Eve when all shall be judged.