December 31, 2013 · 9:08 pm
Here they are: the 2014 predictions literally everyone hasn’t been waiting for. Please return regularly to check my progress and coincidentally bump the readership stats on my blog to make me feel better.
- In the referendum on independence, Scotland votes No.
- Brazil grants asylum to Edward Snowden.
- The Lib Dems replace Nick Clegg as leader.
- UKIP wins more MEPs in the European Parliamentary Elections than the Conservatives, Labour and Lib Dems.
- An iconic building or monument is damaged in a freak/climate change weather event.
- Paul Dacre leaves his position as chief bigot/editor at the Daily Mail.
- More than 50% of Daily Express front page main headlines are about the weather.
- Brazil win the World Cup. England don’t qualify from the group stage.
- Liverpool win the FA Premier League.
- Team GB win exactly one medal at the Winter Olympics in Sochi.
- Andy Murray loses in the semi-final of the men’s singles at Wimbledon.
- Wales win the rugby union Six Nations tournament.
- Johnny Brownlee wins the ITU World Triathlon Series.
Science and technology
- Steve Ballmer is replaced as CEO of Microsoft by Satya Nadella.
- The crew of the International Space Station is evacuated because of orbital debris.
- Apple announces a “revolutionary” (in their words) new TV device.
- The Nobel prize for physics is won by someone in the field of quantum computing/communication.
- Google buys Oculus VR.
- Webcam video of a celebrity, obtained covertly by an intelligence agency, leaks on the internet.
- Best picture at the Oscars: 12 Years a Slave.
- Best actor at the Oscars: Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave.
- Best actress at the Oscars: Emma Thompson for Saving Mr Banks.
- Bruce Forsyth stops presenting Strictly Come Dancing.
- The BBC reboots a classic 1970s sitcom (eg Dad’s Army).
- In one of those “celebrities doing stuff” shows (Splash, Strictly, Dancing on Wolves, etc) a celebrity does stuff that results in a nasty injury on live TV.
- His Racist Highness Prince Philip, 92
- Nobel Peace Prize winner and war criminal Henry Kissinger, 90
- Thatcher defenestrator Lord (Geoffrey) Howe, 87
- Swivel-eyed Ulster firebrand preacher Ian Paisley, 87
- Oh no, it’s Yoko Ono, 80
- Fifties teen idol and Half a Sixpence crooner Tommy Steele, 77
- Much better than the last one Pope Francis, 77
- Founder of CNN and all-round not-Murdoch Ted Turner, 75
- Nobody did it better than Carly Simon, 68
- Free software evangelist and beardy gnu-lover Richard Stallman, 60
- Wayward ex-gurner and Gazza Paul Gascoigne, 46
- Apprentice self-firing rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins, 38
Based on the pattern of previous years I’m expecting to get about 40% right. Join me this time next year to find out whether I’ve got that prediction wrong too.
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January 1, 2012 · 12:59 pm
Now spelunked into the Brechtian caverns of history: the year of the Arab Spring, the deaths of several prominent nutjobs, the end of the Screws, the looting of cheap sportswear, the Royal Day Off, the Occupy tent sale, and, of course, what is believed to be Sir Paul McCartney’s 49th or 50th marriage; estimates vary. And what will 2012 bring forth? Here’s your exclusive guide.
- It will be announced that the Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant.
- Ed Miliband will be replaced as leader of the Labour party.
- The US presidential election will be between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obama will be re-elected.
- At least one country will leave the euro.
- Boris Johnson will be re-elected as Mayor of London.
- There will be an earthquake in the UK of magnitude 4.0 or above on the Richter scale. (I’m only using this scale as it’s the one used on the Wikipedia page for UK earthquakes.)
- Great Britain & Northern Ireland will win 21 gold medals at the Summer Olympics, and over 50 medals in total.
- Great Britain & Northern Ireland will top the medal table at the Paralympics.
- Spain will win the Euro 2012 football tournament.
- The United States will regain golf’s Ryder Cup.
- Jensen Button will regain the Formula One championship.
- Manchester City will win the English Premier League.
Science and technology
- Having miraculously survived 2011, Steve Ballmer will definitely be fired as Microsoft CEO.
- CERN will announce the official discovery of the Higgs boson.
- Apple will launch a TV.
- At least one of the co-CEOs of RIM will be fired, and the company will be bought.
- The next version of the iPhone will include an NFC chip.
- Amazon will release a free version of the Kindle.
- The 2012 season of X Factor in the UK will be the last.
- In Doctor Who, the replacement for the Ponds will not be from Earth.
- Best Actress Oscar: Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady.
- Best Actor Oscar: Jean Dujardin, The Artist.
- Best Picture Oscar: The Artist.
- CNN will fire Piers Morgan.
- Former anthropology student, US evangelist Billy Graham.
- Former ophthalmology student, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad.
- Former chemistry student, Baroness Thatcher.
- Former naval cadet, Prince Philip.
- Former Cassius Clay, Muhammad Ali.
- Former Hitler Youth, Pope Benedict XVI.
I look forward to your company next New Year’s Eve when all shall be judged.
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