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Here they are: the 2014 predictions literally everyone hasn’t been waiting for. Please return regularly to check my progress and coincidentally bump the readership stats on my blog to make me feel better.

News

1. In the referendum on independence, Scotland votes No.
2. Brazil grants asylum to Edward Snowden.
3. The Lib Dems replace Nick Clegg as leader.
4. UKIP wins more MEPs in the European Parliamentary Elections than the Conservatives, Labour and Lib Dems.
5. An iconic building or monument is damaged in a freak/climate change weather event.
6. Paul Dacre leaves his position as chief bigot/editor at the Daily Mail.
7. More than 50% of Daily Express front page main headlines are about the weather.

Sport

1. Brazil win the World Cup. England don’t qualify from the group stage.
2. Liverpool win the FA Premier League.
3. Team GB win exactly one medal at the Winter Olympics in Sochi.
4. Andy Murray loses in the semi-final of the men’s singles at Wimbledon.
5. Wales win the rugby union Six Nations tournament.
6. Johnny Brownlee wins the ITU World Triathlon Series.

Science and technology

1. Steve Ballmer is replaced as CEO of Microsoft by Satya Nadella.
2. The crew of the International Space Station is evacuated because of orbital debris.
3. Apple announces a “revolutionary” (in their words) new TV device.
4. The Nobel prize for physics is won by someone in the field of quantum computing/communication.
5. Google buys Oculus VR.
6. Webcam video of a celebrity, obtained covertly by an intelligence agency, leaks on the internet.

Entertainment

1. Best picture at the Oscars: 12 Years a Slave.
2. Best actor at the Oscars: Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave.
3. Best actress at the Oscars: Emma Thompson for Saving Mr Banks.
4. Bruce Forsyth stops presenting Strictly Come Dancing.
5. The BBC reboots a classic 1970s sitcom (eg Dad’s Army).
6. In one of those “celebrities doing stuff” shows (Splash, Strictly, Dancing on Wolves, etc) a celebrity does stuff that results in a nasty injury on live TV.

Celebrity deathwatch

1. His Racist Highness Prince Philip, 92
2. Nobel Peace Prize winner and war criminal Henry Kissinger, 90
3. Thatcher defenestrator Lord (Geoffrey) Howe, 87
4. Swivel-eyed Ulster firebrand preacher Ian Paisley, 87
5. Oh no, it’s Yoko Ono, 80
6. Fifties teen idol and Half a Sixpence crooner Tommy Steele, 77
7. Much better than the last one Pope Francis, 77
8. Founder of CNN and all-round not-Murdoch Ted Turner, 75
9. Nobody did it better than Carly Simon, 68
10. Free software evangelist and beardy gnu-lover Richard Stallman, 60
11. Wayward ex-gurner and Gazza Paul Gascoigne, 46
12. Apprentice self-firing rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins, 38

Based on the pattern of previous years I’m expecting to get about 40% right. Join me this time next year to find out whether I’ve got that prediction wrong too.