Daily Archives: January 11, 2010

Avaragado’s 2010 predictions: bonus ball

Astrology is, of course, bunkum. However, my mum has furnished me with the following prediction – precisely tailored for me and the millions of others born between two arbitrary dates – from the pages of, I imagine, the Daily Express.

Despite a slow beginning to the year, career matters pick up speed in mid-January.  From then on, there’s no looking back.  The eclipses in January and June target your work ambitions and point to important changes on the horizon.  What you’ll be looking for in 2010 is quality not quantity and by mid-year you could reach a watershed period in your life when you’ll want to take stock.  As revolutionary Uranus stimulates your curiosity for matters unconventional, you will be drawn to subjects that have fascinated you for years.  Whether it’s developing your own website, going freelance, learning about alternative healing or immersing yourself in research, as long as you watch your finances in April and May, what begins with small steps this year could well become a giant – and lucrative – leap into a successful new career.

I’m crossing my fingers.


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Avaragado’s 2010 predictions

To make this year’s predictions I watched a few episodes of the little-known 1980s Jimmy Perry sitcom Oh, Doctor I Ching! (starring Paul Shane made up as a nineteenth century Chinese fortune-teller from Rotherham) and matched the patterns generated from the resulting vomit to the wallpaper in John Lewis. Then, treating the price of each roll of wallpaper as a page number, I wrote down the first letter on each corresponding page of Dan Brown’s latest magnum o’pus The Lost Symbol (discarding the inevitable second wave of vomiting this induced). I used this sequence of gibberish (the letters, not the book) as the identifier part of the URL for a YouTube video: this turned out to be a montage of lolcat images set to a Rick Astley track. Playing this track backwards at half-speed revealed the address of a milliners in Covent Garden, wherein an elderly lady whisked me through a secret door to a spiral staircase leading to a disused underground station. Here the King of the Rats welcomed me with a garland of cigarette butts and his Rat Army carried me aloft to the Rat Parliament (changing at Leicester Square). The secrets revealed to me there by the Prime Ministrat were world-shattering and scandalous but ultimately all about rats so I just knocked up any old rubbish as usual and here it is.

The Oscars

  • Best Actor: Colin Firth, A Single Man
  • Best Actress: Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia
  • Best Original Screenplay: District 9
  • Best Director: James Cameron, Avatar
  • Best Picture: Up in the Air

UK General Election

  • The election takes place on March 25th
  • Predicted share: Con 39%, Lab 32%, Lib Dem 21%
  • Predicted seats: Con 296, Lab 267, Lib Dem 56
  • A Green party MP is elected
  • Esther Rantzen wins Luton South


  • ITV closes down ITV3 and ITV4 to save money
  • Britain’s Got Talent contestants include a trio of drag artistes collectively known as The Fleurettes
  • Robbie Williams rejoins Take That for at least one concert
  • The final UK Big Brother is won by a lesbian


  • The Large Hadron Collider does not find the Higgs Boson this year
  • Exoplanet GJ 1214b is confirmed as a water ocean planet with an atmosphere


  • Winter Olympics: Great Britain win one gold medal, one silver medal and zero bronze medals
  • World Cup semi-finalists (in no particular order): England, Brazil, Denmark, Argentina
  • Cambridge win the University Boat Race
  • Andy Murray wins a grand slam singles tournament
  • A fatal accident occurs during the construction of Olympic Park in Stratford

Celebrity Deathwatch

  • The Duke of Edinburgh
  • Jimmy Young
  • Jimmy Saville
  • James Garner
  • Lady Gaga
  • Ian Paisley


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